Trying to figure it all out

As a Texas veteran who was honorably discharged I'm entitled to participate in the Hazlewood Act.

The Hazlewood Act is a program which allows veterans to attend any state college and the state of Texas pays tuition for up to 150 credit hours. It also doesn't expire. My GI Bill expires in March '07, and that's when I'll become eligible for the Hazlewood Act. I also found out I can forfeit the GI benefits and start school as early as Jan '07. (I need to double check this part)

If I utilized all of it I would probably get about 90% through a master's degree. I still don't have a bachelor's degree. So, no matter what I do careerwise I should at least get that. I've always loved film--maybe film school, UNT has one of the best film schools in the country. Or, maybe art history? Maybe counseling? Maybe something in the medical field? I don't know yet. I need to go talk to a school counselor.

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Up until recently, I was considering going to flight school. While I still think being a pilot would be one of the coolest things ever, I was having a hard time psyching myself up to leave the love of my life for 2 years and go $90 grand in debt.

I need to find my life's work, but I'm also 35 years old. From an economic standpoint a $90 grand debt that I would probably be paying for the next 20 years seems like a stretch. Plus, I made a pact with myself that I was going to lead a more stable life--I wasn't going to spend long periods of time away from someone I love.

So, I was trying to come up with a solution when I made the decision to go to flight school. I wanted my girlfriend to be proud of me more than anything because she's such an amazing person. I felt like leaving was my only option even though the thought of it was making me physically ill, and I never really expressed what I was feeling to anyone because I was thinking this was just part of I needed to do. That was a huge mistake because it turns out there were other options.

Also, I need to finally admit to myself I'm not that good of a sales person even though that's what I've been doing for the last 6 years. I understand the sales process, but I'm not an aggressive people person--I'm more of a "take my time feeling a person out person"--I don't like to push relationships with people, which is why I thought being a pilot would work for me. So, it may still be an option maybe just later down the road and under the right circumstances.

Regardless of my sales expertise or lack thereof; I got a big listing, and when it sells, it will result in a rather large windfall--we keep getting closer to selling it. When I was thinking I was going to flight school I was thinking about doing something with the money in the stock market to try and double it or something, which looking at that idea now, it was just something else that was stressing me out--but, I was also thinking of how I was going to handle the $90 grand debt. This decision was leading to more bad decisions. The sensible thing to do would be to use the money from the sale and pay off my mortgage and payoff a significant portion of my debt. I realize this is putting the cart before the horse--I haven't sold anything yet. But then again, there's also the factor of grossly underestimating the amount of time and effort it was going to take to sell this property--another HUGE mistake based on my inexperience with real estate, which has added more stress.

On one hand, I had a decision to go to flight school, and on the other, I had a big listing that wasn't selling. Basically, I got myself caught between a rock and a hard place. I turned myself into a giant ball of stress, and it cost me someone that I might not ever be able to replace.

And then, there's the loss of a loved one, and the ending of another 16 year relationship. Ugh!! It's been a rough year.

Looking back at everything, I was violating another pact with myself--Keep my life simple. All all I really want is to be happy--I don't want to spend my life grieving over break-ups with girlfriends and worrying about my future.

I want everything to go smoothly. I keep making a bunch of mistakes along the way, but I haven't given up on trying to figure it all out.

Once in a while I do figure something out and that light at the end of the tunnel gets a little brighter, but it's still tough.