Tuesday, January 29, 2008

How to beat Tiger Woods

Beating Tiger Woods is easy. All you have to do, no matter which course your playing on, is shoot 20 under par, and you will start stacking a string of victories together.

Yes, to beat Tiger you'll need scrap 5 birdies 4 days in a row no matter how tough the course is.

Tiger wins because he consistantly plays better than everyone else. (That's redundantly simple.) However, when players see Tiger near the top of the leaderboard they become mesmorized, and they think his victory is almost a foregone conclusion, and there is rarely (never) a sufficient charge to take him down. Also, the army of people following him are thinking he's already won, which is why, if you're playing with Tiger and the tournament is on the line, the crowd is less likely to be quiet during your swing, which makes it even more difficult.

So, if you're going to beat Tiger, you need to forget about Tiger, forget about the roaring crowd, and make birdies.

And, that's how you beat Tiger Woods.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

My Favorite Monologue from Austin Powers

Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential.

Therapist (Carrie Fisher): Oh no, please, please, let's hear about your childhood.

Dr. Evil: Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy--the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical; summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds--pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my 1st scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There reall is nothing like a freshly shorn scrotum--it's breathtaking--I suggest you try it.

Therapist: You know, we have to stop.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Should we build a great stone wall to keep out the Mexican hordes?

Seriously, is it me, or does this immigration issue seem moronic? I mean, I love Mexicans, and so does everyone else.

If politicians cared to look at American migration, they'd notice 100 years ago the top 10 most populated cities in America were located in the Northeast. Now, the 7 of the top 10 most populated cities are located in the Southwest. What does that mean?

It means people want to live where the weather is nice, which leads one to ask the question--Does the nice weather stop along the U.S./Mexican border?

In other words, Americans want to move South, and Mexicans want to move North. It seems to me politicians are playing politics and overlooking what the people are saying where they are moving.