Saturday, May 31, 2014
Thursday, May 29, 2014
I know exactly what you mean, and here is how I dealt with it.
Throughout my life, I took a catalog of every girl I ever befriended without the intention or outcome of attraction. The number was zero. I have never had a female friend that I didn't percieve and a future mate. Plenty of girlfriends (Well, some), but no friends. End result: Girls are for girlfriends, guys are for friends.
Now personally, I'm terrible at talking to women. I'm uncomfortable, I'm dumb, and I say things in the LEAST appealing manner possible. I'm like the science nerd asking out the cheerleader. This doesn't happen if I'm just having friendly conversation, but if I think about attraction, BOOM, my brain becomes a potato so dumb the other potatoes are laughing.
Given that, I am always quick to assume any bit of attention I get from a woman is based on attraction. This lead to a situation where I come on strong to all women, and if a girl is just looking for friends she has to friend zone me FAST. But I never understood the friend zone; I figured it was the zone where they put what they want in the future. Everything I did was just making excuses for myself to justify falling in love and not looking at the real issue: I just want to be accepted for who I am.
So lets look at the facts, the friendzone circle:
1- I meet a girl. Friendly conversation.
2- I notice she's cute.
3- I hang out with her, trying to attract her.
4- She accepts who I am, I want her as my girlfriend!
5- She turns down my advances, I'm worthless.
6- She is no longer my friend.
7- Nobody accepts me.
8- Repeat endlessly.
But here you can see I went wrong right off the bat. Step 3. See, I try to guage the person as a mate BEFORE trying to guage them as a person. I think I've gotten to know them as a person, but really I only know enough to justify my attraction because she's cute.
So how did I break the circle? I removed step three, making every other step irrelavent.
1- I meet a girl, friendly conversation. 2- I notice she's cute and I enjoy being around her. 3- I hang out, trying to have the best time possible for both of us. 4- She has a good time around me, admits she's attracted. 5- I, having gotten to know her and not a fantasy version, can decide if I am attracted.
OP, if any of this sounds familiar, I need you to try this. Read this, live this. You are uncomfortable due to the tensionyou create with women. If you can't be good friends with a woman without making her uncomfortable due to misplaced attraction, what business do you have with a relationship?
And if you are also crippled with a fear of rejection (You can change the title however you may justify it... social anxiety, shyness, etc) then go to a bar you don't really care for and make it a point with a couple friends to get rejected in the worst ways possible. Every round, the person with the lightest rejection (or accidental win) has to buy the round of drinks. Turn rejection into a game, so you are laughing in the face of that which makes you panic. If you can laugh at a woman calling you a pig and splashing a drink in your face when she thinks you are most vulnerable (using a pickup line) then any real rejection becomes a lot more... whatever.
This post struck a chord with me, and I am posting this for the kinds of people that are naturally going to read this post. You want "game", this is how you get the tools to build it. No carpenter, no matter how skilled, can build a house with his bare hands. This post is the hammer and nails to get started.