Friday, October 27, 2006


She is a loving mother of two amazing kids.

She has a great career and an amazing work ethic--probably even one of the best in the country at what she does.

She takes care of her mom, and that's made her mom's dream come true.

She just went through one of the most difficult times of her life and she always maintained her decency.

She is a great friend to everyone.

She was never anything less than loving and supportive for so many months.

She is beautiful and everyone I've introduced her to has said so.

She's done tons of cute and adorable things that all I have to do is think about them and it makes me smile.

It's because of all these things and a few more, I have said repeatedly to people she has a heart like no other. Actually, she has many of the same qualities that makes my mom such a cool person, and I've told alot of people this as well.

I had pretty much figured out most of her good qualities on that rainy afternoon in the Tavern, and I knew I was going to fall in love with her.

Trying to figure it all out

As a Texas veteran who was honorably discharged I'm entitled to participate in the Hazlewood Act.

The Hazlewood Act is a program which allows veterans to attend any state college and the state of Texas pays tuition for up to 150 credit hours. It also doesn't expire. My GI Bill expires in March '07, and that's when I'll become eligible for the Hazlewood Act. I also found out I can forfeit the GI benefits and start school as early as Jan '07. (I need to double check this part)

If I utilized all of it I would probably get about 90% through a master's degree. I still don't have a bachelor's degree. So, no matter what I do careerwise I should at least get that. I've always loved film--maybe film school, UNT has one of the best film schools in the country. Or, maybe art history? Maybe counseling? Maybe something in the medical field? I don't know yet. I need to go talk to a school counselor.


Up until recently, I was considering going to flight school. While I still think being a pilot would be one of the coolest things ever, I was having a hard time psyching myself up to leave the love of my life for 2 years and go $90 grand in debt.

I need to find my life's work, but I'm also 35 years old. From an economic standpoint a $90 grand debt that I would probably be paying for the next 20 years seems like a stretch. Plus, I made a pact with myself that I was going to lead a more stable life--I wasn't going to spend long periods of time away from someone I love.

So, I was trying to come up with a solution when I made the decision to go to flight school. I wanted my girlfriend to be proud of me more than anything because she's such an amazing person. I felt like leaving was my only option even though the thought of it was making me physically ill, and I never really expressed what I was feeling to anyone because I was thinking this was just part of I needed to do. That was a huge mistake because it turns out there were other options.

Also, I need to finally admit to myself I'm not that good of a sales person even though that's what I've been doing for the last 6 years. I understand the sales process, but I'm not an aggressive people person--I'm more of a "take my time feeling a person out person"--I don't like to push relationships with people, which is why I thought being a pilot would work for me. So, it may still be an option maybe just later down the road and under the right circumstances.

Regardless of my sales expertise or lack thereof; I got a big listing, and when it sells, it will result in a rather large windfall--we keep getting closer to selling it. When I was thinking I was going to flight school I was thinking about doing something with the money in the stock market to try and double it or something, which looking at that idea now, it was just something else that was stressing me out--but, I was also thinking of how I was going to handle the $90 grand debt. This decision was leading to more bad decisions. The sensible thing to do would be to use the money from the sale and pay off my mortgage and payoff a significant portion of my debt. I realize this is putting the cart before the horse--I haven't sold anything yet. But then again, there's also the factor of grossly underestimating the amount of time and effort it was going to take to sell this property--another HUGE mistake based on my inexperience with real estate, which has added more stress.

On one hand, I had a decision to go to flight school, and on the other, I had a big listing that wasn't selling. Basically, I got myself caught between a rock and a hard place. I turned myself into a giant ball of stress, and it cost me someone that I might not ever be able to replace.

And then, there's the loss of a loved one, and the ending of another 16 year relationship. Ugh!! It's been a rough year.

Looking back at everything, I was violating another pact with myself--Keep my life simple. All all I really want is to be happy--I don't want to spend my life grieving over break-ups with girlfriends and worrying about my future.

I want everything to go smoothly. I keep making a bunch of mistakes along the way, but I haven't given up on trying to figure it all out.

Once in a while I do figure something out and that light at the end of the tunnel gets a little brighter, but it's still tough.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Cleaning My Act Up

I'm going to use better language from here on in. It's just makes more sense.

I've also gone through most of these posts, and deleted and edited most of them. I'm realizing I can soften the tone of whatever I'm writing, and it still gets the same message across while being more readable.

The only reason I would put my life out here for inspection is to use feedback to become a better person.

I get angry and stressed out and blogging is sort of cathartic, but it's also revealing at times of things that are on my mind that shouldn't be there. I want to be a kind and compassionate person and still make a difference with my writing. I'm still learning how to do that.

I began re-editing my book on Saturday. I realized immediately after I published it there where things in it that I was having moral issues with, which is funny because I wrote it. My plan when I wrote it was to get enough copies printed so I could send one to each Congressman, the President, and all the members of the Supreme Court-I still plan to do that.

The highest compliment I could possibly pay someone

The highest compliment I could possibly pay someone would be to say, "you are just like my mom."

~I need to finish writing this one later.

The things I'm passionate about

I love to write.

I love working with my hands--I love doing basic home remodeling.

I love closing big sales where everyone walks away happy. My 1st sale as a stock broker was to a guy in Oklahoma. He wrote me a check for $145,000. I had never even met the guy in person, and he ended up getting all his money back. While working for Chase Bank I sold a $200,000 Variable Annuity. My 1st listing as a real estate agent was for a $2.7 million dollar church.(I haven't sold the church yet.)

I love making risky trades in the stock market. Who needs Vegas when you've got an E-trade account? They should make the their slogan!

When the time is right, I will find out if I love to fly airplanes or not.

I love my family, especially my mom.

~I deleted a bunch of my posts~

I went ahead and deleted a bunch of posts. After a closer inspection of who I am I decided there are things I really didn't care that much about in my blog.

Politicians will be politicians.

Corporations will be corporations.

These things change very little, and it does little good writing about them. Besides that, I already wrote a definitive book on the subject, if I may say so myself. I don't know why I bothered to keep writing about these topics.

What's important in life are the people you love and the people who love you.

The other important thing is the things you are passionate about.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

something written by Ralph Waldo Emerson

"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics, and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!" Ralph Waldo Emerson